So, my mother is going through divorce #5 thereby altering family holiday get-togethers in some interesting ways. For one, my house is now the designated home for T-day and Christmas/Hannakuh/Solstice celebrations (and yes, some of celebrate one or more of these) because she's moved out into a much smaller place and just isn't all that interested in putting on the big to do. This is fine by me and I've even been enjoying this passing of the torch as it's given me an excuse to allow my inner Martha Stewart free regin. Sadly, it also means that all holidays must now be split up so that we can spend time with my now ex-step-father whom we all love and for three of my kiddo's is the only grandfather they've ever known. Okay, that can be managed as well. Today was to be spent with mom, aka 'grandma' (though she won't actually let my kids call her that) and my clan of 5 as well as 3 close friends and 2 additional kiddos for a total of 10 people and went a little nuts and bought a 20# turkey. I even found a "kid table", and because this is a brand new thing for my little one's they're actually looking forward to sitting at it! haha

And then 'grandpa' is coming over on Sunday for a reprisal of Thanksgiving dinner.

I woke up this morning feeling festive and looking forward to the day as well as to our tradition of playing charades after dinner. I love coming up with obscure and potentially really embarrassing things for people to act out...it's compensation for the fact that, even when dinner was at mom's, I always ended up preparing most of teh food. (Some of my favorites are, "Tales of the Vulgar Unicorn"- book, and "Blazing Saddles"- movie). IOW, I'm more than happy to prepare all of the food as long as I can witness my close friends and family being absolutely silly in the aftermath. That's fair, right?

Anyway, mom called this morning to see if I needed anything else from the store or any additional serving spoons, etc. Er, at least that's why she said she was calling. A few minutes into the convo she said, "By the way, my new boyfriend will be coming into town later this evening and so I invited him over for coffee, dessert and charades".

silence

mom: "Hello? Are you still there?"

me: "Um, well...I wasn't really prepared for additional guests, mom."

mom: "You said you bought a 20# turkey, plus he's only coming over for dessert and I'm bringing pecan pie, remember?"

me: "Okay mom, look, it's not so much about having enough food- though I do have the table set for exactly 10 people- but it's more that I'm simply not ready to meet this new beau of yours. And honestly, I don't think the kids are ready yet either. It's only been 3 months and I would prefer to meet him over coffee or lunch somewhere before having him join us for a holiday meal".

mom: "I wish I'd known you felt that way so that I wouldn't have invited him".

me: "Well, you could've ASKED. Most people ask before they invite additional guests to someone else's house. It's just the considerate thing to do. But you didn't ask...you just invited him and assumed it would be okay. And to be completely honest, aside from teh fact that I haven't yet digested the fact that you and my step-father, aka 'grandpa' are no longer together, I definitely haven't begun to work through how I feel about you dating someone younger than me with children that you spend more time with than your own grandchildren. I'm not saying I don't want to accept him in your life, but that I'm just not as quick at accepting these things as you'd like me to be".

mom: "Well, if that's how you feel then I don't feel comfortable coming over either".

me: "What? You're joking, right? You called to ask me about serving spoons and now there's an ultimatum involved? If I don't feel comfortable having your new boyfriend over then you're not coming either? Look, I realize you're dating someone 21 years younger than you, but now you're acting as if you're 13 years old! I can't believe you're pulling this passive-aggressive bullshit today. I was really looking forward to a holiday meal without all this fucking drama, mom. At any point in the last few weeks you could've simply asked if it was okay to invite him and I would've said that I'd rather meet him some other time, before or after a big holiday get-together. No drama. But instead you manipulated him into the scene with an ultimatum, and I doubt he'd be any more comfortable knowing this than I am".

mom: silence

Apparently she hung up.

Then she called back and left a message (my hands were elbow deep in a 20# turkey carcass so I couldn't answer...probably a good thing) stating that I am painting her as 'the bad guy' and did I know that my step-father was chatting with women on eharmony.com before they even split up? And how dare I not be accepting of her new boyfriend when she's always been accepting of mine? (not altogether true) And that she was going to invite my twins out for a movie so I could have a little time to myself before everyone arrived, and that she has all these mashed potatoes and this pecan pie and what do I expect her to do with them?

Um...I fail to see how my step father's eharmony shenanigans have anything at all to do with this, first of all. He's not issuing ultimatums or passive-aggressive manipulation tactics to force me or my children to accept a new girlfriend. Fortunately, he's healthier and more mature than that. Thaw was just my mother's way of derailing the topic and making any negative reaction I might have invalid. Secondly, I hadn't painted her as 'the bad guy'...I just had some issues of my very own to work through regarding their divorce and then her going on an on about how wonderful this new guy is and how great his kids are. MY ISSUES, not hers, but I haven't had a fucking chance to try to understand them beyond my initial reactions, which is precisely WHY I didn't bring the subject up with her. I was hoping that by the time she ASKED me to meet this new beau, I'd have a better understanding of these reactions and with any luck be ready to meet him without these jaded feelings.

In any case, I called her back and left a message saying that I think we could at least try to put this issue behind us for today and talk about it later when we've both cooled off, and that it's really important to me that we allow the 8 other people involved have a "Happy Thanksgiving" and that perhaps we, if we stop laying blame on each other for this one day, might also have a "Happy Thanksgiving".

So, I'm posting this here because I feel that I was trying to be authentic and diplomatic which clearly didn't work. So I went for extreme honesty, and probably said a few things that could've been worded more diplomatically, yet here we are..at an impasse of sorts and my joy and excitement over being the hostess-with-the-mostess is pretty much gone. I'm working on it though, which is another reason why I'm posting this. To just get it out and perhaps have some dialogue about it that doesn't end with hanging up on me. I realize I can sometimes be insensitive, but this time I felt the need to protect my children's sensitivities as well...and my youngest one's aren't even fully aware that their grandparents have separated. That's my fault. They've just been going through so much that I was trying to wait til after the holidays to tell them.

Ah. FUCK.

end rant.

-K