wild, it's sort of like an elephant in the room type thing. It means I'd have to point it out, observe it, when the polite thing to do is to ignore it. Clearly he had no problem with it or believed it to be OK. I feel like I'd be reproaching him for something that is too late to change. Basically I don't want conflict with him over it nevertheless I am curious as to his reasoning so decided on this option. It's all up for speculation and I suppose I'm hoping to get people's opinions and experiences and personal reasoning as to seating arrangements. Is it something you give a lot of thought to, for example? I do but I suspect my cousin doesn't. Who knows maybe I will ask him. I'll see where this goes first.

Nuptial Anarchists !

i'm with Why on all counts...
save for the little part of me that wishes i had been 'finished'
and come out with as much style was wildapache. : )

it's their wedding.
their business.

why are you so concerned about it?

Er, just to be clear, I wasn't advocating giving anyone shit over anything. I just figured that if you want to know what someone's motivation is you ask them directly or someone close who they may have revealed their motivation to about what's going on. Or you keep your nose out of other people's business if it is other people's business. If you want to hear the gossip (which is not always a reliable way to hear the truth), then speak to people indirectly involved *shrug*

Who you ask for info (or if you do) seems to be more about why the question's being asked to me. Just my take on it, of course. Clearly others will have their own takes on it which are influenced by their own wedding experiences.

"I've clearly been talking out my ass."

Good gawd woman, don't start doing that...I can barely keep up with you talk out of your mouth!

(meant purely in jest)

-K

Fido - LOL - I smell PA everywhere too. Love your explanation. I'd decided on clueless myself but this makes him sound so much more emotionally astute and thoughtful.

It could just be a seating arrangement made by someone clueless to the relationship weirdness between all the parties. Or made at the last minute.

Who knows? We may never know!! AHHH!!

boo ya - you sound like me :-)

>I am immediately curious to know more about the players - was your uncle in the wedding party? <
My uncle did speak at the dinner on behalf of his nephew.

>who exactly is it that despises the 'former' aunt?<
I was alluding to my cous despising her. He did say he didn't want her there and didn't like her and was never close to her.

>Is there something about the circumstances or aftermath of the aunt and uncle's divorce that has put some family members off of the uncle and his new wife? <

Yes -- they had an affair before my uncle ended his 30 yr marriage.

>Was your cousin's bride involved in making the seating arrangements? <
I think so. I will check. She was certainly aware of the 'controversy.'

i need something chewier than this to spend my remaining brainpower on - can't focus on it somehow

>Just ask him.<

Looking at everyone's responses I'm considering approaching the matter obliquely with him. Casual chat about wedding-compliment the location and overall arrangements and my own table placement and thank him for putting me in a good spot-mention it must be hard doing a table placement....?

>Why do I care?<
It’s my family. I'm concerned my uncle's feelings were hurt. His ex-wife was placed with his sisters and mother, while he and his new wife were placed with strangers. Being placed certainly makes a difference at many a dinner I think. I was very happy about my own place and family (including my uncle) kept taking my seat!

I’m also just curious about modern social mores and protocol. I’m a protocol lover myself, but it’s very complicated today. Lots of variation to protocol….

It’s not just me that cares. My aunt’s presence at the wedding was controversial from the beginning. Her presence was controversial at the last wedding as was my uncle’s then fiancees’. That was my brother’s wedding and I know that he and his wife gave the matter of who to invite and the table placement very careful consideration.

>Do some sleuthing<
As soon as I clocked my aunt (J) and uncle's (V) positions I observed it to my table companion - my other cousin - the son of J & V. His faced closed and he didn’t respond. So that was a big red shut-up from him. Which I promptly did. To him anyway…I mentioned it to my other aunt (D) - V’s sister- whom I’m very close to. She noted it also, but did not conjecture about it.

>Their wedding<

I was one of the people who said he should invite J. I regretted it after I opened my mouth and rushed to emphasise that it was his wedding and he should do whatever he wanted. I rephrased my position to one of pointing out things that he might not have considered - that was all. His wife agreed J should be invited. Anyway, I look back on it now and think I shouldn’t have said anything.

I believe the polite thing to do was for J to be invited, but not come. She did come and feeling the awkwardness of it I wondered why. A relative thinks it was to punish V. Which was certainly the effect if not the intention.

>Just elope<

It certainly is enough to make you want to elope.

Before my uncle V’s divorce we never had these issues in the family (which is very small and quite close, including geographically.) Weddings seem to bring the issue of place firmly into mind. Whether as a family member or a friend inclusion and exclusion starts with who is invited and who isn’t.

My cousin wanted to go with who he liked and who he didn’t like and was not going to invite two other cousins also. Again not considering or caring if people would be offended.

>Mind your own business<

I agree that it is my uncle’s place to raise the matter if he is aggrieved. I hope my oblique approach will enable me to satisfy my curiosity and not ruffle anyone’s feathers. I look back on why I said anything to begin with and it seems to me that I was thinking of the whole family and my cousin was thinking only of himself. Fair enough: it’s his wedding. But it’s also our family and when the wedding is over the family will still be around. His wife even said, in support of J’s invite, ‘Our marriage may not even last, but she’ll still be your aunt.’ A strange statement, I think, for a blushing bride, but full never-the-less of prudent realism: think ahead.