Perhaps his reactions stem from another source? Maybe he is nervous about how quickly the relationship is progressing, maybe he is playing old scripts left over from previous relationships, or perhaps he does think the row is a bigger deal than you may have thought it was.

I hear you though. When people have pulled that sort of thing on me, I have certainly stepped back a few steps and had to re assess the comfort level of the relationship for myself.

Every relationship seems to have this defining moment where someone seemingly pulls a power play on the other. I guess my only advice ( if you want it) is to go really slow on this one and try not to respond with a emotional knee jerk reaction to his possible knee jerk reaction to whatever it is you all rowed about.

You do have some fabulous hair though, and that pretty much can cure all.

Sounds like you managed to hit a trigger you didn't see coming (and is normally the case for those who hit the trigger the first time) hitting a trigger can be disconcerting cause as you said "it wasn't a big, grandiose row, but in his mind it apparently was" my experience that's the very description of a trigger. Just to give you an example of my triggers, if a female friends says she thinks of me like a brother, then the whole relationship is definite danger of ending right then.

So deep breath.

if you want to create the space to see if you can/want to make the relationship work, you'll need some calm energy and time to pick apart that trigger (whether or not he knows that trigger is an related but too difficult to answer question) and figure out what and how it affects you and your needs in the relationship. remember to try and keep it clear that you are focusing on figuring out how that trigger affects you and your relationship, not on fixing him and his trigger :)

hth

taz

My ex used that very tactic whenever I disagreed with him, I eventually learned that it was a manipulative manouver he used to get his way. He never really had any intention to walk away. After many years of this happening on a regular basis, I finally told him I was ending the relationship - and did. I'd never used it as a threat and he knew it. (the only reason I stayed that long was because I was afraid to leave - for many reasons - reasons which finally, didn't stop me)

I agree, it undermines trust in the relationship and in one's partner's willingness to work through difficulties. Without that trust you don't have much. It's a tough thing to deal with - especially when you love the person playing these emotional games. In my view, folks who throw down the the "I'll leave" card, after a relatively minor dispute, will continue to use this kind of emotional manipulation as long as they're allowed to do so. You may have to simply communicate that if there is to be a relationship, there has to be a commitment to working through problems without such threats.

However you do (or don’t) respond will condition his future behavior.

If, for example, you drop this issue in response to his threat, assuming that is what he wants, he will almost certainly use the strategy again, because people tend to repeat what has gotten them what they wanted, regardless of whether or not it is good for the long term.

It may be unfair for you to categorize what he said as a threat or ultimatum. Since you don't know what lies behind the button you pushed, it could be that he was serious about breaking up, not realizing that what you said was not intended to be as harsh as he thought it was. It may also be that once you both know where the other was coming from, that he'll feel like a n00b and regret having said it in the first place.

"we discussed him moving in with me"

To talk about moving in is one thing; doing it is something else. It seems like he might not yet be ready to commit to a relationship where he'd be living under the same roof with you - own bedroom or not.

-K - Maybe he feels the only power he has in the relationship is removing himself? Or it could be that he's got something "negative" within himself (or something he knows you won't like much) he's trying to hide by avoiding the "negative"? (Sorry, I don't have much patience with that kind of thing, particularly if the negativity they don't have time for is actually just reality and all the negativity towards reality is really coming from them...but I'm digressing towards a rant here!) It sounds like you may have given him a level of trust he hadn't yet earned and perhaps doesn't deserve, and that he may not actually be able to cope with the reality of a relationship and what is required once it moves beyond infatuation. Or not, of course! Either way, good luck figuring out what's best for you at this time.

Hey K,

I dunno how I missed this. =-/

<In my mind it wasn't a big, grandiose row but in his mind it apparently was. His response was to first abandon the conversation saying that he didn't have "the time or energy for negative discourse" and later (the next day) to tell me he was beginning to think we shouldn't be together at all>

When a man has learned all his life to have situations handled, and then things fall apart, his perspective changes. He goes into "self-preservation" mode (a very selfish looking mode from the outside perspective). Personally, I've been there, done that on both sides.

When my last business had failed, then I'd finished school and was studying for a state exam and licensing, and was about to lose my home, I was feeling fearful on many levels, short tempered, anxious, nervous, and really had no desire to hear any persons challenges/negativity of any sort. no matter whom it was. My plate was full. When a FWB came to me and began telling me about her life challenges I had to stop her and tell her the same thing. I don't want to talk about this. I'm sorry but my plate is full. She was offended at first but now she understands MY perspective and feelings. A person has to get backed into a corner pretty well (super scared) to feel this way and I sure did. I felt I had no way out.

She learned that she had a part in it by not asking how I "really felt" if I was acting differently. .... She didn't know how scared I really was. That my emotional plate was over-flowing with fear. That, quite literally, the only thing I could listen to at the time had to be solution oriented towards MY issues. Or a simple hug and a "I'm here for you if you need me". Just being around people helped but there was always that anxiety brewing just below the surface. Survival mode sucks to be in.

Learning about our partners is key. Someone mentioned hot buttons. I call those items our soft, white underbellies. Everyone has them. I'm sure you didn't want to make your partner feel overwhelmed. You simply didn't know his emotional state. It was a temporary situation for him and he not normally this way. I'm sure you wouldn't want him doing the same to you when you were down. Stupid to even say....
Support for each other, especially when each other is down, will give you both a long and satisfying relationship. IMHO of course. LOL ;-)

<Roger is joyfully hopping off of his soapbox now>
<hmmm, maybe it's time for me to begin another LTR.... =-) >