First draft Cooking school essay

topic posted Mon, December 1, 2008 - 8:06 PM by  JSin
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ok folks would love some feedback. This is about 340 words... Limit is 150 but I have no clue how to start cutting it.<warning cap lock error not yelling> i WOULD LOVE ANY FEEDBACK YOU MAY HAVE GOOD OR BAD <HONESTLY THE BAD IS MORE SIGNIFICANT TO ME> <end cap lock error>

:::::::::Begin transmission:::::
1. What are your career goals and how do you expect your education at The Art Institute of Seattle to help you attain them?

Ahhh to worship at the feet of the porcine gods. To allow my hand, mind, and knife to concoct the most treasured of morsels. To see the smile of a diner look up at me with shining grease dripping from their chin.

In essence, my goal is, to open my own restaurant and create an atmosphere where both the diner and employee feel as though they are wanted, cared for, and satiated. To do this I know I need credentials from a program that has status within the culinary arts community. I need to know how a kitchen operates. I need to understand what makes the business aspects of running a restaurant work. Above all I need to understand the culinary arts that exist outside of my experience. I need to be influenced by others whether they are instructors or fellow students.

2. In what way are you willing to commit to your education in order to be successful?

I have taught myself to be a carpenter, handyman, tattoo artist and poet. I have taught myself to recognize mold and rot, skin dynamics, and aesthetics. I find now that to teach ones self is folly. I have only made my life harder by deciding I need to reinvent the wheel. What can I commit to, aside from perhaps slaughtering a goat and roasting it over a combination of apple, oak, and hickory? I commit to be teachable above all else. I commit to learn that which has come before me and understand why and how it integrates with that which I wish to do. I commit to understanding the juncture of quality and profitability. I commit to learn to run a restaurant of the highest caliber.


::::::::End Transmission:::::::

JSin
posted by:
JSin
Las Vegas
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  • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

    Mon, December 1, 2008 - 8:37 PM
    these are just a few syntactical things i noticed. i'm not trying to be a dick...

    -------------------------------------------------------

    my goal is, to
    --------------------
    this comma is unnecessary. i recommend you remove it.



    ...business aspects of ...
    ----------------------
    the word aspects is unnecessary here. it makes you sound like you're trying to impress someone w/fancy words. take it out.





    with shining grease dripping from their chin.
    --------------------
    ok, this one's a little less important than the other 2, but...
    the use of 'their' in place of the standard 'his/her' is mildly controversial. also, the smile of a diner does not look up at you. the diner looks up at you, but the smile just sits there on his/her face.
    maybe try something along the lines of,

    to see the saturated smile, the grease dripping below, as the diner looks up at me...
    (after the ellipses you might include something along the lines of 'in amazement' or ', eyes glassed over in a bacon-induced stupor' [including the comma before the word eyes])


    i like your answer to #2, but this seems a little unnecessary:

    why and how it integrates with that which I wish to do
    -------------------
    it just sounds a little stuffy. actually, i'd generally recommend against any of this 'that which' kinda stuff, in any context. just think about how you might put that sentence (actually the last 4 sentences of that paragraph, if you could combine them) if you were speaking, not writing, directly to the person who'll be reading this essay, & write that.
  • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

    Mon, December 1, 2008 - 11:30 PM
    To see the smile of a diner look up at me with shining grease dripping from their chin<<<

    I suggest changing this line. Perhaps something involving the expression on a diner's face when they are eating something truly extraordinary and they haven't the words to express the joy your food has given them in that moment.

    The grease on their face thing kind of makes it sound like you are serving them up some "tasty vittles" from a trough.


    My two cents.
    Otherwise, good job. You're hired.
    • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

      Mon, December 1, 2008 - 11:50 PM
      is that 150 words total or per question? if it's total, i'd cut out the creative writing at the beginning altogether. It's just fluff, and I agree with Elaine in the word choice issue. Plus, word count is important for harried administrators skimming over dozens of applications.

      I like the emphasis on your commitment to being teachable. That's a nice turn of phrase, and really important, given that it sounds like you're embarking on a new career after a decade or so of pursuiing other paths. It's good for prospective teachers to know that you're open to learning in new ways.

      Good luck!
      • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

        Tue, December 2, 2008 - 11:13 AM
        Thanks for your input folks I made a number of changes based on your suggestions and am off in about 45 minutes to meet with the admissions counselor to get the ball rolling.

        Thanks again
        JSin
        • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

          Tue, December 2, 2008 - 1:40 PM
          Good luck!
          • Unsu...
             

            Re: First draft Cooking school essay

            Tue, December 2, 2008 - 2:34 PM
            Best of luck and bon appetit!

            -K
            • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

              Tue, December 2, 2008 - 11:54 PM
              i wonder how the interview (or whatever) went... hopefully ok... i did not count the words - but how DID you get it down from 300+ to less than 150?

              i hated having to write essays - math is my-thing... writing is not...

              good luck on the new cooking career/education... h.
              • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                Wed, December 3, 2008 - 8:44 AM
                The interview went great. It looks like I am going to go. Now the biggest issue is playing the find the money game.

                I did manage to cut it down to about 250 words and the admissions lady told me not to worry about the length too much. Apparently in the ball park is anywhere form 150 to 400. The biggest thing they had a problem with is the straight out of High school kids answering in a single sentence or writing 12 pages. I told her I thought the length was ridiculously short since I can't even get close to starting to express an answer in an interesting or engaging way in that short a period. She agreed with me.

                Thanks again for the support folks.

                JSin
                • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                  Wed, December 3, 2008 - 1:21 PM
                  JSin - I can't see how they couldn't love someone who's apply who is passionate abut cooking AND mature enough to understand it's a trade/business. I'm curious, what made you decide to pursue this as a career and not just something you love to do?
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                    Wed, December 3, 2008 - 7:34 PM
                    Well my body is just plain fucked up from construction and other activities. But there is no way I could be a cubicle dweller. So I looked to what I am passionate about and balanced that with what I felt I could make a liveable wage on. Cooking is what fit the bill. Seldom am I likely to find weights much over 50 lbs <frequent weight in Construction is closer to 150 to 180> It is still physically active and has a pace that I find attractive.

                    I also think I have gained enough maturity to do more with it than just be some line cook.

                    JSin
                    • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                      Wed, December 3, 2008 - 7:41 PM
                      oi!
                      watch your mouth

                      line cooks are gladiators.
                      • Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                        Wed, December 3, 2008 - 7:55 PM
                        wildapache wrote:
                        >"oi!
                        watch your mouth

                        line cooks are gladiators. "<

                        Certainly they are and much like gladiators they have a seriously short lifespan on the line with not a lot of chance of moving up and forward. For that matter so are Iron Workers and Carpenters doesn't mean the job is going to be anything more than a J.. O... B.... I am hoping to create a skill set that will allow me to move up and forward.

                        Any decent restaurant needs great line cooks. They are the main muscle behind getting the food on the plate and too the table and I most certainly will spend time probably quite a bit of time in those positions as I learn the minutiae of the trade.

                        When I say "just a line cook" I mean I am not going to be satisfied with stopping at that point.

                        JSin
                        • Unsu...
                           

                          Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                          Wed, December 3, 2008 - 9:43 PM
                          JSin, if you're ever interested in some other culinary paths (not instead of but in addition to what you're already planning), let me know. I've been in the biz since I was 15. My stepfather was/is a Swiss trained chef and I started off in his restaurant as a salad prep chica and bus girl, then went on to work in just about every aspect of the restaurant biz-both front of the house and back- from ages 17 to 26 before becoming a private chef and then a personal chef. I spent a handful of years working in the whole foods, vegetarian and macrobiotic circuits (back when I was more militant and OCD), then back to formal European for a bit, then Greek, Japanese and American Bistro style before finally getting sick (literally) of the 60+ hour work weeks and choosing to go into biz for myself. I've loved my job, for the most part, but am now finding that I want to try some other avenues. Just getting burned out now after 11 1/2 years of doing it on my own, but I've found that being a personal chef allowed me much more freedom, flexibility (necessary when you're raising kiddo's) and has been surprisingly stable. Er, well...more stable than the restuarant biz anyway where the turnover rate is through the roof!

                          Once my kiddo's are all on their own I think I'd like to try being a private chef on a yacht, but until then I'd like to focus on writing cookbooks and finishing up that damn psychology degree I started more than a decade ago.

                          Anyway, I'd love to hear more about your aspirations and such and, if you're interested, swapping a few stories.

                          -K

                          p.s. You will most definitely be lifting much more than 50# on a daily basis, and much more than that if you get into catering at all. My back is a big ol' tangled mess of pinched nerves and I occasionally have tendenitus (sp?) so bad that the pain wakes me up at night. But, it sounds like you have a pretty resilient and strong body so hopefully you're own career won't be cut short due to the physical demands of the job. Just get in good with a massage therapist that loves good food and you'll no doubt be quite happy.
                          • Unsu...
                             

                            Re: First draft Cooking school essay

                            Wed, December 3, 2008 - 9:49 PM
                            And hey, I hope that my post didn't come across as condescending in any way. I definitely didn't intend it to. I am actually feeling really inspired that someone like you is interested in pursuing a culinary career. I've always admired your posts and online persona and it's kinda cool to see someone I admire choose to begin this as a new career right when mine is winding down.

                            I'm sure you'll be fabulous!

                            -K

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