Plan my life for me!

how about delaying the sailing trip for a year and in that time fix up the boat and make a bunch more with your money.

how disruptive to your son would moving in with your girlfriend be? have you talked with him about it?

i'd be inclined to opt towards the move in closer to the girlfriend
idea, but Marpa made an important point - how would that affect
your son? Have you discussed it with him?

When i was 12, my parents talked about moving to the coast of
BC (we lived in the southern interior)... my dad had a job offer there,
doing the same thing he was already doing... they asked what I
wanted and it meant a lot, i remember, to be considered someone
whose opinion counted - rather than just 'this will be good for you's
being thrown at me.

do you think your son would be happy sailing for a few years, rather
than either a)staying where his roots are, or b)putting down roots
someplace new?

I say ask your son. I know you did, but listen to what he says. I moved a lot as a kid, and sometimes I went to a better place and sometimes worse, but I really hated that I had no say in when and where to go. So as an adult I've stayed in the same town without budging. I didn't learn to adjust, I learned to be stuck here.

My dad saved money for my son's ed, and he didn't like going. He was only going because we wanted him to.

Whatever your son wants to do, know that he'll regret his decision at some point, but at least he'll know he helped make it.

And after your son's grown you'll have plenty of time to do what you want to do.

>What about a shorter trip <

Yes, I actually am a 'one step at a time' kinda guy. I bought the boat in Ventura and sailed (motored mostly, due to the California tradewinds) it up to Tomales Bay with my girlfriend. The next step is Hawaii. I've thought about Mexico, but it doesn't appeal to me much. The return trip from Mexico is a pain - like the trip from Ventura, only longer. The trip back from Hawaii is no bed of roses, but having done both, I much prefer the open ocean. I had original planned to work month on / month off on oil rig boats and share the time with my ex, this may become possible if she gets it together, but I'm not holding my breath.

The longer trip really won't cost that much more. Once we are out of the US, the cost of living (as long as we stay out of French Polynesia) should be low enough and I have good earning money along the way skills (mechanic, licensed Master, SCUBA instructor) so I may be able to keep even on the output once the boat is up to snuff and we go. I am hoping that if we got to Hawaii by summer, my girl and her son could meet us there and sail to or in the Marshall Islands.

I think it's great how many people think I should let my son be involved in the decision. So many 'experts' seem to think that you should sheild your child from the process of making decisions. It always seemed to me to be disrespectful. I remember knowing a lot more about life at 11 than I was given credit for. Nice to hear the reinforcement on this. If it wasn't for my son, I would probably sell the boat and move in with my girlfriend right now. He really wants to do the trip.

my first response was go for the trip and the adventure, if your son is into the idea, and settle down later - "later" seemingly being the right time to settle down in most instances, hahaha -- and I wasn't surprised that you were doing 180s because literally you were looking at a choice between commitment and settling down, and commitment to doing the opposite of settling down. A 2-3 year-long trip - to my mind - seems to really be an open-ended affairs, and kind of includes the hope or assumption that something will happen along the way, completely unforeseen now, which would alter life completely from then on. When you really can't say when you might be coming back . . . you really don't care if you ever do (as I recall from my own travels -- and BTW, I never ever did, and neither has anyone else I've ever known who took off on an open-ended trip).

I had this reaction because at first I thought we were dealing with your own idea and your own challenge to settle down, or do the opposite. But then, much farther down in the thread I noted that your son is really into it and it sounds like it's practically his own idea? or totally his own idea?

And the length and open-endedness of the trip? From whom did that come, him or you, originally? Because shorter or more frequent trips are definitely possible, as you've done before. Why must it be so long this time, at this particular juncture, when you just happen to have the opposite idea up for decision?

So would you think back and figure out when the trip idea got thrown into the mix? Before or after the idea of moving in with girlfriend? If before - you have an "active" idea from the boy. But if after, you probably have a "reactive" idea from the boy - a reaction to the idea of moving in with the girlfriend. Of being far from the boat, and most likely the boat fading out from the daily picture.

Not that a child's reluctance to become part of a new family is necessarily a prohibition against doing it -- I think most kids would be reluctant or anxious about it to some degree, especially if they're pretty satisfied with the way things are now.

I just get the feeling now, from reading all your comments, that you'd really only do this for your son, at least do it to this degree -- but that you're aware that giving your son this particular wish could blow your wish for his education and your wish for freedom from working slavery too. Meanwhile, our son could likely not appreciate at this age what a difference that $ could make to him later on --

I'd suggest a shorter trip with a definite itinerary and return date, and a meetup like you're thinking with the girlfriend so she can share in the adventure too, and then both of you move in with the girlfriend when you get back. Because this simply doesn't have to be either/or, to a mature mind. And you could even then sell the boat (if it's too far away to be a realistic expense) and replenish anything spent from the college fund.

And thanks so much for the snack!!!! Nummy nummy!!!

boo ya, Thanks for sticking up for my boy, Max. He needs all the advocates he can get (real and virtual), even though he has several.

>How well is "pretty well"?< About the same as he gets along with his chosen friends, i.e. they have lots of fun and then drive each other nuts over something. If they have something to do together, they enjoy it. If there's not much going on, they can start arguing over toys etc. They rarely (once or twice in three years) get angry enough at each other that I have to step in.

>11-year-olds can be wise beyond their years, but that doesn't mean it's okay to put major life choices into their hands - that's a parent's >job. <

100% agree. I also don't think it's wrong to talk to him about what he would prefer or talk to him about why our plan has changed. When I was a little older than my son is now, my mom got married secretly after I had begged her not to. Like you say, it was her decision and I doubt she could have changed my mind (she divorced the guy a couple of years later, so I was right) but I would have felt better if she had at least told me she was going to do it.

As far as putting him first in my life, that's definately what I've tried to do. The last year I have homeschooled Max and he's doing great, I haven't moved out of the area so he can have some kind of relationship with his mom. I haven't taken the job I wanted on oil boats because I didn't want to leave him at his mom's while I'm gone and I don't feel resentful about it, because he's number one. One of the big reasons I would like to move in with my girlfriend is so we all could spend more time doing fun stuff together (all of us) and less time driving back and forth. There's also an expeditionary charter school where my girlfriend lives that I am hoping to get him into, as regular school and Max have never been best of friends (he's done great with homeschool where he works at his own (fast) pace and has lots of opportunites to run around outside) He always did okay gradewise in regular school, but dreaded going after about third grade.

So putting him first it's still the same choices. I am ususally better at making decisions (and I will ultimately make this one) but it was unusual in that the choices seemed to multiply as I made them in this case and I thought I would talk this out beyond my usual circle; it's been interesting. I am feeling pretty settled on not leaving this year. I want to go back to work, but not what I was doing before and I don't think I can do boat work and take care of my boy, so that's out for now (I have talked my ex into going to a parenting coach, so maybe we can share custody again). Anyhow, it's been a great year spending so much time with Max. My life's biggest regret was getting divorced because of the effects it has had on Max, but I am trying to do the right thing for him.