Using "honesty" as a manipulative tactic

Ohhh yeah, these sorts pf people really just annoy the crap outta me. Honestly.

"Should you then tell them that if they continue the behavior that is pissing you off, you will move on? Should you just move on without telling them?"

I once heard that not returning a phone call was the most common way that female friendships ended. I think this can be mutual as it was for myself and someone I still like, but had just grown apart from. I must say that since hearing this ‘fact’ I’ve become over-sensitised to it. So if a friend doesn’t return my call with in a short period I think maybe they want to end the relationship. This happened a couple of years ago with one friend: I’d called her in a bit of distress over my neighbour (long story) and she was quite supportive etc but ended the call and said she’d call me back. Four weeks later and I still hadn’t heard from her. I made up lots of excuses for why she hadn’t rung because she did get sick quite often and had a lot of her own probs with family and stuff. Then a mutual friend said that he’d just been partying with her. I quizzed him that she’d been OK etc. He said she’d said she’d ‘Call me!‘
That pissed me off so much I snapped: “Tell her not to bother!” I saw her behaviour as discourteous and insensitive. And that there was no excuse for it… I’d supported her through heaps of woes and then when I needed her help she wasn’t there…I must say the mutual friend thought I was being a bitch, but from my point of view she’d been the bitch. I was just the one calling it.

I do miss her and wonder if I acted precipitously…but think not

Anyway I tried to google to see what’s out there on the phenomenon and didn’t find much. I did find this, though, which I though added some more insight into the politics and social meanings of calling - or not calling!

It is tellingly titled: Show Respect For Your Relationships. (It’s a sales tip site, but still some insights there)

Return Phone Calls
In Jeffrey Gitomer’s book: The Sales Bible, the author talked to thousands of salespeople and simply asked them what they wished buyers and prospects would do (or not do). The number one gripe of salespeople: Return my phone call. Salespeople are not alone in wanting to have their calls returned. All of us do.
Think about it. How hard is it to return a call? When you don’t return phone calls people are left to wonder why. They may imagine that you are busy, or that you are involved in other things, or that their call is just not important enough for you to return in a timely manner. It is important to remember that uncertainties resulting from calls not being returned can erode even the best of relationships.
www.diversityinbusiness.com/dib2...t.htm

So I think that it can show a lack of respect and conveys that you are not important enough to the person to show basic courtesy.

Yes, I really do think using sharp wooden things to poke people when they don't do something I find acceptable to be proper and mature adult behavior. Worked when I was in fifth grade, why wouldn't it work now?





Of course, it was a joke. Lordy.


The serious answer - It all depends in what the particular person is doing. It also depends on how well you know another, how good you are at expressing feelings ( using the "I" statements and such like) and how the other person is able to receive it.

We all have our breaking point or limits to what we can stand or are willing to deal with in a friend or partner. It is okay to stick to them, if you really think it is important. There are ways to be honest without resorting to passive aggressiveness, manipulation or bullying. It is very possible to be able to say what you need to say in a calm and collected way, being prepared to stand on your principals if need be, but also being prepared ( depending on the sitch) to compromise, explain further, and listen.
As for when you have spoken and the dealio hasn't changed ( for the better) than well.. it's up to you to decide whether to tell someone why you are walking or to just do the fade away into the woodwork.

Me, being the cold hearted, self centered uncaring biznatch that I am, tend to just wander off, leaving the person to wonder what they did wrong and never telling them why. A very subtle invisible pointy stick of such sharpmess it may take them years to figure out they got themselves poked by Elaine's Bitch Stick. Weeee!

Of course, your mileage may vary.