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Here's the scenario:
About six months ago, I let a friend borrow around $2000 in which payments for repay were to be made. Now, keep in mind this is a friend, somebody I feel isn't a bad person and want to keep being their friend. No contract (other than verbal) was made. My friend began making payments but then ran into some issues. He works and goes to school but barely makes enough to live off of. He has recently moved to a smaller place to simplify his living arrangement and expenses. Which I know is a good thing and will improve the situation but does nothing for right now.
The problem:
I'm in a situation where I need the debt to be repaid. If not all of it, as much as my friend can pay. I make rather decent money. Enough to live well with some extras. But I also moved, which ate up any kind of savings I had. Now, in completely honesty, I'm a rather frivolous spender myself. Meaning, although I usually get my bills taken care of, I'm apt to spend what's left on...well...stuff. Nothing extravagant. Usually dining out or if I'm on a business trip, I'll spend money on tours or nights out. Things like that. If I didn't spend so frivolously, I'm sure that the money wouldn't be much of a problem. But I do and it has become a problem.
Solution needed:
So while I'm pressured to try to collect what is due forcefully, I'm also at a point where this is a friend and the reason why I'm so broke right now is because I need to check my spending habits. Am I wrong for pressuring my friend, who is obviously in a tough situation already (but getting better with time)? Or should I blame myself for being so bad with my own money?
About six months ago, I let a friend borrow around $2000 in which payments for repay were to be made. Now, keep in mind this is a friend, somebody I feel isn't a bad person and want to keep being their friend. No contract (other than verbal) was made. My friend began making payments but then ran into some issues. He works and goes to school but barely makes enough to live off of. He has recently moved to a smaller place to simplify his living arrangement and expenses. Which I know is a good thing and will improve the situation but does nothing for right now.
The problem:
I'm in a situation where I need the debt to be repaid. If not all of it, as much as my friend can pay. I make rather decent money. Enough to live well with some extras. But I also moved, which ate up any kind of savings I had. Now, in completely honesty, I'm a rather frivolous spender myself. Meaning, although I usually get my bills taken care of, I'm apt to spend what's left on...well...stuff. Nothing extravagant. Usually dining out or if I'm on a business trip, I'll spend money on tours or nights out. Things like that. If I didn't spend so frivolously, I'm sure that the money wouldn't be much of a problem. But I do and it has become a problem.
Solution needed:
So while I'm pressured to try to collect what is due forcefully, I'm also at a point where this is a friend and the reason why I'm so broke right now is because I need to check my spending habits. Am I wrong for pressuring my friend, who is obviously in a tough situation already (but getting better with time)? Or should I blame myself for being so bad with my own money?
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San Diego
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 1:08 PMyes, you are to blame
and yes, it is it shitty of you to pressure your friend who seems to
be doing the right things for himself and has been making payments
when possible and in good faith.
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 1:13 PMThe problem is that no payments have been made in a couple months.. I've let it slide for awhile. And I don't really "pressure" him in the sense where there's threats on anything. More like, "Hey let me know when you can do that, because I can use the money." Sorta thing. -
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 1:38 PMlook at this as not a problem but rather opportunites for solutions. A chance to seriously check your own self discipline when it comes to spending, and a chance to be a good understanding friend.
Polietly remind your freind, but also be prepared that because of his situation you may never get that money back in its entirety. Let him know that any amount regularly will do(just for principles sake.) But focus more on what you can control(your habits) rather than on what you cant control(your friends situation). If you do so you can guarentee that you will come out a richer person both with freinds and financially secure.
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 3:03 PMThere are a few things I'd like to say on this:
1- curtailing your own spending is a good idea if it's hurting your ability to save
2- do not depend on your friend's payments to support your excesses. I have a policy never to lend out more than I can live without. Your friend may get hit with misfortune and be unable to make good for a while. Understand these are tough economic times
3- It's not good for the friendship to impose your personal pressures onto the business arrangement. Deal with business as business and friendship as friendship.
You knew your friend's situation when you lent the money, so take responsibility for that. It seems as if he's trying to make good. Would it be worth it to you to cause tensions so you could party it up more? It's all about priorities. You should have savings before indulgences. That's just smart. Without that, you could be one tragedy away from financial disaster as well.
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 3:33 PMI generally do not lend money to friends. If I do give them money I view it as a gift. If they happen to get it back to me great... If not I write the money and the friend off.
I was not always like that. I have collected more than one debt by force or through inflicting n amount of pain on them comparable to the perceived slight they have handed me.
It should be evident why I live by the Shakespeare aphorism
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; / For loan oft loseth both itself and friend. / And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry."--Shakespeare
JSin -
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 3:54 PM>>If I do give them money I view it as a gift.<<
>> If they happen to get it back to me great... If not I write the money and the friend off.<<
these things don't really go together -
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 4:22 PMMy friends also don't ask for money.
If someone is in trouble sure I will help them. The $ mean very little. But the trust and reciprocity that they are not gonna screw me over is in the balance.
I also have friends that resources flow pretty fluidly between us. Who knows who owes what. It doesn't matter.
The trust lies in when someone asked to borrow money, I have to view it as a writeoff, I also have to consider whether the friend is also worth writing off.
If it is clearer:
"Fuck me once shame on you, fuck me twice shame on me"
JSin -
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 4:31 PMyou used the word _gift_
for me, when i give someone a _gift_, i don't expect any return on it.
that's why i felt that your statements didn't quite work together.
if it's truly viewed as a gift, there should be no reason to "write off" the receiver/friend. -
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 4:36 PMSemantic debate..
Shall we say bait then.... test....Cheap investment against future larger scams and grafts.
I tend to be not too forgiving when people lie cheat steal or scam.
For the OP.... You should have known better, should have gotten a contract, should not be spending when you cannot deploy your own safety net.
JSin -
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Re: A money question...
Wed, July 8, 2009 - 4:41 PM>>Semantic debate..<<
i disagree
but that doesn't require any more discussion on the matter. -
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Re: A money question...
Thu, July 9, 2009 - 5:25 AMi secondthirdfourth the policy that you never lend money to friends that you expect to get back. Ever.
Let the money go, keep the friend, and learn your lesson the hard way. I have, that's for sure. -
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Re: A money question...
Thu, July 9, 2009 - 3:02 PMMaybe it's the giver in me. I don't know. I seem to always go into such situation with the idea that if I was ever in need that somebody would help me like I help them. I don't usually conduct business with friends. But there was a need for help and I was in a position to do it. And I'm very good at keeping business and friendship on separate levels. -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: A money question...
Thu, July 9, 2009 - 3:43 PM>I seem to always go into such situation with the idea that if I was ever in need that somebody would help me like I help them.
and fair enough - but you can't be surprised when someone
who needed help, and *still* isn't back on their own feet yet,
is in no position to help anyone else.
nonetheless, i hope it works out for you one way or another.
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