is asking for clarity out of the question?

<<was 'goodbye' ever actually *said*?>>

Wow. Good point. I know I've heard stuff that wasn't said (or meant) before.

>>with me, it has never necessarily meant 'goodbye forever', more that
i wanted to be clear that whatever path we ended up taking, i wish them all
the best.

is it possible this is the case, here?
was 'goodbye' ever actually *said*? <<

Nicole, your response was very helpful.
I thought, reading it, that this is what I want to know. It does make sense that he might just have taken the opportunity to express his good will. (We had had some conflict in the past.)

I can’t say for sure if he said goodbye. It was when he was leaving and he said a general goodbye to the immediate group and shook hands. So it was context dependant. I guess I was more conscious of what he definitely did not say.

Thirty Nine - I think it's pretty impossible for any of us to get an accurately impression or tell you about the guy you brought up - partly because you seem confused.

Impossible? Damn! I am confused, but I think he confused me.

Do you think it's possible that you were sending out mixed signals yourself or your own mixed feelings are being projected onto this guy?

Mixed signals? Probably. Projected? Maybe. I did find his behaviour strange and as I said I felt there was a ‘goodbye forever’ tone to his speech at the same time that he seemed reluctant to let go. I later found out that he had made some major life decisions. I see now that he probably was thinking of this at the wake, though he did not disclose this to me and really there was no reason that he would feel obliged to. Though he did say things that led me to believe the exact opposite. I see, having written it out here, that I probably was picking up on the fact that he was considering leaving the area and possibly felt that he would not be seeing me again. So I don’t think I was projecting the ‘finality’ of his goodbye on to him.

What held *you* back from being yourself and expressing your desires? Why did you choose to "play a part" rather than just be yourself?

I think I was expressing my desires. I wanted to get to know him again and develop the relationship. I thought it was a ‘beginning’ and was shocked at his ‘goodbye’ to realise it was the end. Really it was quite a slap in the face. Especially as it was dressed up in a wholesome speech.

I said ‘play my part’ and I was more concerned about reciprocity. That I not put it all on him.

So I am confused, but I have found some clarity discussing it here. Thanks for bearing with me.

>>>To me the funeral setting made me more committed to breathing life into my relationships - especially with him.

that seems to hold true more generally than just you. i know _I_ dragged my relatives out for my dads funeral by getting them plane tickets and effectively telling them they would be coming to visit. whereas several of them normally believe in NOT attending funerals for their own religious reasons. sorry, i chose to diesregard their general wishes and used some emotional blackmail. i wanted some life/connection to happen since i was feeling so sad/dead. funny thing was - they were fine with the funeral and similar duties, but when i tried to get us to go out and see a movie - they flipped out... choosing meals was almost as difficult... at that point, i did not care - we could do whatever - but once they were left to decide things for themselves, it was like herding cats... lol

anyways, it is common for both scenarios to occur (breathing life while watching death -or- embracing endings while seeing death). also, the same contradictions happens at life-positive events. i know several friends who grieve at weddings for the loss of their single-friends-liveliness now that he is becoming a "couple".

the fact that yall were on different pages emotionally is unfortunate. the fact that he was sending confusing messages is also unfortunate. the fact that you werent able to capitalize on your own desires to express emotions is unfortunate. heck, youd think you were at a funeral or something. (sorry - couldnt resist the irony... lol)

if yall were at a wedding, and you were a guy, and i wanted to be crass, i would suggest that you should plan to "pick up a bridesmaid, while they are vulnerable to your seduction". lol

whether that (a hookup) would be a good-idea or not is a totally different question... but if you choose to "pick up" a guy at your next funeral, then just consider that this is kinda "natural" for you. and if i were the guy - id prolly enjoy being picked-up. :-)